my jogging diary 2….. I am the author of my own story.

I used to believe that I am always guided to a place where I am “supposed” or “destined” to be. What I am going through at any given time, is by divine appointment. It could not have been any other way. Good or bad, it’s divinely appointed to teach me a lesson. That my and others, choices and actions had very little to no power over the path I walk in life and the experiences I go through.

Thinking that something or someone out there wants people to suffer and feel so much pain just to learn a lesson made me feel utterly powerless.

The view through the glasses I currently have on looks different…..

I am where I am because of decisions I’ve made and /or decisions other people have made. It can also be because of things that have happened in this world I live in and that I have no control over.

Yes, you are reading it correctly….. our lives are influenced by our own, and other people’s decisions as well as surrounding circumstances.

For example, when someone followed me from the bank after I drew some money to pay a visiting producer on behalf of a client. He took out a gun, forced me to hand over the money, and lay down on the ground. Then after walking away, turn around, walk back, and at close range aim towards me and pulls the trigger. By grace, the bullet misses my head but shatters the bones in my hand. I’m alive but left traumatized and hurt. This was not meant to be, or by divine appointment. The fact that I’ll have a lasting dull pain in my hand due to damaged nerves, was not by a “grand design”. It was not someone or some force that wants me to be hurt. It just happened because someone else made a bad decision and I happened to be the person on the receiving end.

“Sometimes we are collateral damage in someone else’s self-destruction journey.”

The above might sound a little dark but it’s not all without meaning. It can have a purpose, but the purpose and meaning are what I bring to it.

What I do, with where I am, is a completely different story. That’s where my free will comes into play. People make choices and those choices have consequences I have to make my own choices, and I have to live by those choices no matter how I arrived at them. I get to choose how I deal with the present moment and that will have an impact on the path I lead, and the world and people around me.

This is where things get interesting and in many cases very very hard. At times it might be so hard that I don’t want to accept the reality that I can choose how I react to what I am feeling. I get to choose if I’m going to let my current circumstances bring me down or if I take the step of finding the hidden diamonds amidst the rubble.

Every situation has the ability to teach us valuable lessons, open up new doors and ultimately elevate us to a new level of understanding of life, peace, and joy.

Feelings are very real and one should not underestimate or deny the feelings we have. It is good practice to acknowledge the feelings we have and to take the time to sit with them. It’s just important to remember that feelings are fleeting and change over time as they are strongly influenced by the current circumstances, and as soon as the circumstances change the feelings will change with it.

Taking the time to sit with one’s feelings until you are ready to decide how to react to what you are feeling from a place of calm and clear-mindedness is extremely important to making mindful choices.

I choose to use the word mindful instead of correct because sometimes there is no correct or incorrect choice, there are just choices that will lead to different paths and outcomes. I would prefer to make the choice that leads to the shortest path to reach a positive outcome, and that requires a calm and clear mind.

If we can change our perspective we can change the way we think about our current circumstances.

But how do we do this? How do we get to this place of calm in the mids of the storm? To be able to deal with our feelings and our current circumstances in a way that will lead to a positive outcome we need to let go of what we can not control.

Letting go has always been something I miss understood. I confused it with giving up. The two concepts are however very different and the actions have very different outcomes.

As beautifully explained by Monica Rai. “Giving up is being a victim. It makes us powerless. Letting go is becoming your own master. Becoming more powerful. When you let go you do not make yourself a victim. You first accept the situation the way it is and then take action. Here accepting doesn’t mean being a victim or settling in a bad situation or not taking any action for the situation. When you accept the situation the way it is you stop resisting. When you stop resisting you become stronger and peaceful. So, it becomes very easy to take action for your current situation with this stronger and peaceful mind.“

By understanding that I am not in control of everything that happens to or around me I can be free to focus on that which I can control. My mind is clear of shame about my situation and I can take responsibility for my own choices and actions.

I’m starting to learn that by practicing gratitude I am able to work through my challenges with a little more grace. It does not mean that I don’t sometimes still shout into a pillow or consider punching a wall. I still do that from time to time because the feelings are as real as I am. Finding and naming the things I am grateful for as a daily ritual is teaching me grace. Grace for myself and for others.

This gratitude practice helps me in the process of letting go of what I can’t control. It helps me find a place of mindfulness from where I attempt to make choices with which consequences I am willing to live.

I no longer feel like a prisoner or victim of where I find myself in life. I understand now, that I am the author of my own story. I might not be able to choose how each chapter starts, but I have control over how it ends.